This episode starts with some shitty voice over about 'the game', and now I'm slightly annoyed because I've lost The Game. :(
Now there's a scene of Ellen Pompeo waking up naked on a couch, and throwing a pillow on someone whom I can only assume is this oddly popular 'McDreamy' fella. Anyway, she throws a pillow from the couch on his ass to wake him, and for the sake of my own sanity and OCD tendencies, I'm going to assume she washes said pillow later and doesn't just leave it on the couch to be a creepy ass pillow.
They have awkward morning-after-sex talk about how Ellen's mom isn't dead, but this is her house that she's selling/living in. None of this makes any sense, but McDreamy is apparently so taken with Ellen's naughty bits that he doesn't mention it. Ellen doesn't know McDreamy's name; clearly this was a drunk hook-up. No wonder Ellen looks all squinty-faced and pale.
Blah blah blah, get out of my house. Next scene.
Some doctor dude talking about 'The Game' again, and now I've lost AGAIN. My mother has worked in the medical field for years and I have never once heard anything referred to as 'the game'. But whatever.
Head Doctor Guy tells them that residency will be the toughest 7 years of their lives. Say hello to the competition! We meet all the characters: asian chick, stubble head, guy with Caesar haircut, and blond bangs. A bunch of foreshadowing about some of these people quitting or taking easier specialties or dying in plane crashes or whatever, followed by a pseudo-inspirational speech about this being their arena, and suddenly I wish I was watching Spartacus.
New scene! Names being called in a locker room. Nothing sexy about it. Clearly gay guy (aka: guy with Caesar haircut/George) approaches Ellen/Meredith and her new friend Asian Chick(/Christina? I think?), is all 'I'm not gay' and goes on to describe Ellen/Meredith's dress from some party. Gay stereotype numero uno!
Can't you just feel the awkwardness emanating from this screen cap? I can. I wonder if it's the character, the writing, or bad acting. Hmmm.
These people and Blonde Bangs all have someone affectionately nick-named 'The Nazi' as their Instructor/whatever. We see that Blonde Bangs is all nervous (and apparently a model? Which is bad, I guess, because Asian Chick hates her already. Go women! These writers are assholes.). They approach a Sassy Black Lady Doctor, who it turns out is The Nazi. Using the characters' dialogue, the writers proceed to pat themselves on the back for this clever turn of events.
Blonde Bangs is actually Izzy, I guess, but The Nazi doesn't give two shits, and is now my favorite character on this show.
Izzy: "My name is Elisabeth, but everybody calls me Izzy!"
SBLD: "Let me see if I give two shits. I do not."
Big Hour 1 script meanders across the screen. Sassy Black Lady Doctor finishes explaining the rules, which are all awesome because she is pissed off that she has to do anything for these shit heads. Her pager goes off and they all run to the roof where there is a helicopter with some dying blonde chick waiting for them. Once she is stable, Sassy Black Lady Doctor gives them all their assignments. Izzy has to do rectal exams. Ha ha ha!
Izzy is disturbed that she has to stick her fingers up some dude's ass to do a rectal exam, but she's a doctor and needs to get over it. Why did you go to medical school and not expect to stick your fingers up somebody's ass at least once?
Ha ha ha, she looks so uncomfortable!
Walking Gay Stereotype (WGS/George) can't find a vein, and the doctor supervising him is all "GTFO, I'm doing this shit 'cause you suck." WGS is all "I'm sure you messed up when you first started, lol" and his boss looks at him like "Bitch, please."
Cut to Ellen/Meredith wheeling blonde helicopter girl down the halls, seemingly lost. Instead of admitting that she's lost, she listens to the girl bitch about missing her pageant, as well as how awful Ellen/Meredith is as a doctor. Sadly, I can't help but agree with her adroit analysis.
Helicopter Girl: "Do you even know where you're going?"
Ellen/Meredith: "Yes..."
Helicopter girl has to sit up in bed even though she just had a seizure,
because even she cannot believe this shit.
Hour 7 text strolls casually across the screen. All the intern doctors are sitting at lunch at the same time, which seems to me like that wouldn't actually happen, but whatever. Like they are in a school cafeteria, they all start fawning over Ellen/Meredith's mother, who is apparently god's gift to surgery or something.
Should I mention here that we are only ten minutes in? This show is a goldmine of awful. I just want to see Sassy Black Doctor Lady yelling at them some more.
Blah blah blah, wait! The doctor who gave George the bitch face earlier is saying he gets to do a surgery because he's the most promising intern. George is all "me?" And I think maybe Bitch Face is hitting on him? Cut to Bitch Face and Sassy Black Doctor Lady having a convo about how awful George is, and how Bitch Face plans on torturing him. Ha ha, gay bdsm.
Look at all that hot shoulder-touching action.
Ellen/Meredith runs into McDreamy, and is all 'our sexing never happened, because you're my boss'. Ellen/Meredith says he's not that good looking and I like her for a moment. He gives her the sexy eyes, and she's having none of it.
Barf.
She's all "Unprofessional, McDreamy. Unprofessional."
Now they're all betting on George's chances at totally fucking up this surgery he's doing. Bitch Face is looking over his shoulder, and George is actually doing pretty well. Until something bad happens, and now the appendectomy lady is bleeding to death. Bitch Face calls George a 'pansy ass idiot' and I think he wants to make out with him. Or punch him. Which might be the same thing to him? It's hard to tell.
The other doctors are calling George 007 (which means licence to kill?) because he choked and these writers have never ever been in a hospital before. George wheels himself around sadly in a wheelchair while the girls tell him nobody's calling him that, and it's sad. Asian Chick is all 'shut up, you're dumb.' and he makes fun of her for being top of her class.
Sad wheelchair George is sad.
Asian Chick goes off about how hot surgery is, and they're the marines of the hospital, and all these people are awful. That last part was my own interjection.
Izzy goes to wake Sassy Black Doctor Lady, and instead of hitting her upside the head, SBLD helps her out with inserting a central line. I am so disappoint.
That is not even her real rageface, that is just how she looks.
Stubble Face goes all needlessly craptastic on a nurse who has probably been working at this hospital longer than he's been alive and has more knowledge in her little finger than he can fit inside his dumb stubbly head. He then says he hates nurses, because he doesn't realize that he's just there to give dumb orders and sign forms.
Ellen/Meredith is upset by this turn of events, but becomes even more upset at him insinuating that she might as well be one of the nurses he hates. If you love nurses, Ellen/Meredith, why not just tell him that nurses are great and he should get bent, instead of getting all offended that he called you a lowly nurse?
George tells them awkwardly that he's BFFs with Ellen/Meredith, but not really, but he totally is. End scene.
Ellen/Meredith saves helicopter chick's life, and McDreamy yells at her for it? Then she goes outside and pukes in the rain. I assume this is part of her daily routine. She asks Asian Chick to keep her eating disorder a secret.
McDreamy doesn't know shit about helicopter girl's condition, and her dad is super pissed at him.
Asian Chick is suturing a banana because these writers are on crack, or maybe Asian Chick is just hallucinating. McDreamy is all, this helicopter girl is gonna die if I don't make you do my work for me and come up with a solution. Guess helicopter dad lit a fire under his ass.
Did you really think I was kidding about the banana?
Stubble head yells at the nurse he yelled at before, because she is smarter than he is and basically says that his treatment isn't working because he's a big dumb dumb poopy head. Except not in those words.
The face of greatness, and seemingly the only tolerable
person in this entire hospital.
We are only half an hour into this piece of unimaginative crap and I am already getting angry at the world for having this shit in it. Time for a coffee break!
Aaaaand, we're back. Why did I decide to do this again? Oh, right, because it seemed hilarious last time I watched it. Now, it's simply justifying my initial hatred of it.
Helicopter girl has a one in a million aneurysm, that Ellen/Meredith and Asian Chick figured out while making fun of her doing rhythmic gymnastics for her pageants. Now Ellen/Meredith is assisting with the surgery, presumably because she banged McDreamy. Was she really that great in the sack, McDreamy? I highly doubt it; she seems kind of bony and emotionally crippled. Asian Chick is pissed, because she wanted to assist in the surgery, and she knows McDreamy and Squinty Face had a roll in the hay.
Ha ha ha! Other people's dreams and talents are funny
because we are doctors and they are not.
Izzy and Asian Chick are hanging out, Izzy trying to be helpful and Asian Chick not-so-quietly hating everything. So, basically it's like normal.
George has to tell the family of heart damage guy that her husband or whatever died in surgery. She's understandably upset by this news, and George feels like 007 again! Yay! Why is being called 007 ever a bad thing? George says to Ellen/Meredith that he'd make a good postal worker, and she laughs. Is this foreshadowing? Is George gonna take out an entire hospital wing with a Glock in a Very Special Episode? I hope he starts with Stubble Head.
Speaking of which, Master Doctor of the Hospital (aka: inspirational speech guy from the beginning) publicly berates Stubble Head for being an incompetent asshole.
Ha ha! It's like Master Doctor of the Hospital is kicking a kitten
right in front of him. Look at that stern hands-on-hips stance.
Ellen/Meredith makes some shitty voice over speech whining about how surgery is not actually a game because people's lives hang in the balance. But then she continues the analogy about how she loves the playing field, and that's why she's not gonna quit. She and McDreamy make sexy eyes at each other over their masks during the surgery. I vomit rainbows and kittens into my trash can.
Barf barf.
Triple barf.
Asian Chick and Ellen/Meredith make up from their dumb fight without any real reason.
Ellen/Meredith waxes poetic to McDreamy about performing surgery being a 'high' while he makes the sexy eyes at her again. And then she just sits there while he walks off. Is this how emotionally crippled people flirt?
E/M makes more shitty voice over bullshit about how great her fellow interns are (HA HA HA), and we find out she's actually speaking to her crazy mother who doesn't know who Ellen/Meredith is. Is she crazy, or is it early onset Alzheimer's? That's sad. Not enough to make me feel bad for Ellen/Meredith, but still sad.
I have to wonder if Ellen/Meredith told her mom about
sexing up McDreamy? Gross.
They sit there sadly, and then the credits roll.
Well, there it is. I'm super excited that it is over (but I kind of want to see if George and Bitch Face will engage in fisticuffs or make out or both). I'm confident that this show can't possibly get any worse, but am entirely prepared to be proved wrong.
Tune in next week, when I do battle with Season One, Episode Two: The First Cut Is The Deepest. Ooooh, a surgery/love metaphor. Classy.
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