So, here I am with a delectable iced coffee in hand, set in front of my computer with Grey's queued up on Netflix, and a horrible feeling on the inside. Must be Monday!
This episode is titled "The First Cut Is the Deepest", which is also a Sheryl Crow song. Trivia! Let's see how they ruin this.
"Previously on Grey's Anatomy, some shit happened. True story."
Ellen/Meredith puts up a roommates wanted sign! Then she says in a voice-over that everything is about lines.
What does Ellen/Meredith have against lesbians? /horrible joke
Asian Chick has a motorcycle and almost runs over George. Almost? That's shitty. Not that I hate George, but ya know... drama.
I would say this example of bad Asian driving was racist,
but I honestly don't think the writers think that hard about these things.
Some blonde intern (Not-Izzy) is getting quizzed by Ellen/Meredith to be her roommate. No dice, Not Izzy! You were in kindergarten when the Challenger exploded, so you get to sleep on a park bench.
Izzy and George want to live with Ellen/Meredith; George hates his current roommates (wow, they must be fucking AWFUL), and Izzy just wants to cook and clean for them both? Whatever floats her boat, I guess.
This pic has absolutely nothing to do with the narrative. I just
thought Stubble Head's derp face was hilarious.
Now Ellen/Meredith is bribing Bailey (aka: Sassy Black Doctor Lady) with a mocha latte so she can get in on some hot OR action. Like minor procedures, she says. She completely ignores the fact that SBDL has already given them their assignments for the day. I would make her scrub some damn toilets for not listening to me, or maybe just stare at her unnervingly for a few moments, then turn and walk away.
SBDL looks at Ellen/Meredith like she just sprouted a second head out of her ass, and everybody crowds around them demanding that SBDL give them OR time as well. They do not offer sacrifices.
SBDL is having none of it, and calls them whiny and then proceeds to rip them some new assholes. She takes the mocha latte, and basically tells them to suck it, and that none of them is holding a scalpel until she's so happy she's Mary Friggen' Poppins. I love her like a fat kid loves cake.
SBDL: "Shut your dumb faces before you hurt yourselves by thinking too hard."
SBDL: "Thanks for the mocha latte. Now do all the things I just told your dumb asses to do."
Not a single fuck was given that day.
Cut to a scene where McDreamy and Ellen/Meredith flirt about ferries? Or some shit, idunno. All I hear is barfing noises. Ellen says she's not going out with him or sleeping with him because he's her boss, but he never asked her out, and he says so. Then she says he's sexually harassing her? He says "No, I'm not; I'm riding an elevator." BAZINGA!
This is like that scene in The Shining for me, only the blood elevator was way sexier.
The line is drawn, McDreamy! Ellen/Meredith said so!
She then crosses her line and proceeds to make out with him while they ride the elevator up. GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BLEACH IN THE WORLD.
IF I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT, THEN SO DO YOU.
Now who's sexually harassing who, Ellen/Meredith?
Huh?! But he just kind of quips at her as she rushes off the elevator, because he's a guy and apparently doesn't mind being molested.
For some unearthly reason, they call Ellen/Meredith the emotional cripple to do surgery on a rape victim.
The people
actually operating on her (McDreamy and Bitch Face) talk about the rape victim while they perform surgery on her. To be fair, they're pontificating on what a badass this chick is for fighting off her attacker like Jet Li in that movie Unleashed. Still, they should probably just make sure she doesn't die and save the water cooler talk for later. Ellen/Meredith tells them her real name, and we are supposed to believe this means that she is a caring individual. They soon discover that the rape victim bit off her would-be rapists penis! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
McDreamy: "I'm sorry; it's his what, now?"
Ellen/Meredith: "Penis."
There you go, severed penis. You live there for a while.
Stupid opening sequence that reminds me of Nip/Tuck, only Nip/Tuck was actually pretty good.
George attempts to make the moves on Asian Chick, and Asian Chick is super pissed because she has over 9,000 degrees(!!!) and yet she is delivering lab results. Yeah, I know it sucks when you have to actually work for things. Why will nobody give her an award for hating everything?! It's so unfair, you guys!
I think he wants to coordinate her drapes?
Whaaaaatever. Stubble Head strolls by, and he and Asian Chick have a conversation full of mutual hate (of each other, and everything else). I sincerely hope that they kill each other off so that I don't have to hear them speak anymore.
George answers a Code, and he looks terrified as reality sets in. Cut to Izzy, who is faced with a Chinese speaking patient with a gash on her arm. Instead of calling the nurses' station and asking for an interpreter like any normal person would do, she turns to what I'm assuming is the entire ER, and asks if anyone speaks Chinese. Surprisingly, none of them do. Well, except for the Chinese lady, but that hardly helps.
I love how the chick in the arm sling is like, "Bitch, are you for real?"
Now we're back to Ellen/Meredith, who has entered an office with what looks to be an organ cooler. The lady in the office wants to see 'it'- I'm assuming this is the bitten-off rapist penis. Not gonna lie, I'd probably wanna see it, too.
This is the face of someone who really wants to see a rapist's severed penis.
Master Doctor of the Hospital asks about Ellen/Meredith's famous surgeon mom. Ellen/Meredith says she's taking time off, so I guess she hasn't told anybody about her mom's illness. Which is a little weird; do Ellen/Meredith's mom's friends even know where she is? Why is she sitting all alone in that room with nobody to visit her but her shitty daughter? That's awful. These writers are awful.
HA HA HA, Ellen/Meredith has to babysit the severed penis until the po-po arrive to collect it! Chain of custody is hilarious, you guys. Ellen/Meredith asks what she's supposed to do with the penis. Oh dear lord, woman. Wear it on your head, like a hat! Make a beautiful, flowery centerpiece with it!
Keep it with you until the police arrive to take it away. Ya know; whatever works best.
Master Doctor of the Hospital looks like he wants to say something dirty, and I am so very disappointed when he does not.
Look at that face! That is a dirty joke just waiting to happen.
Stubble Head and Asian Chick are going 'blah blah blah medical terms' at some terrified looking family while they stand around their relative's hospital bed. Except for the chick on the left; she actually looks pretty stoked to be here. Stoked Lady hugs and kisses Asian Chick, who looks horrified and uncomfortable. I wish I could say it's funny to see Asian Chick being uncomfortable, but I still just want to punch her right in the gut and tell her to stop hating everything because she sucks.
Looking at this still frame, it actually is a little funny.
George asks Ellen/Meredith what's in the box. She tells him he doesn't want to know, and he's all 'Oh, but I do.' Then attempts to give her the sexy eyes, but he's a big ole pickle kisser*, so it doesn't work. When she tells him it's a severed penis he's all 'Yeah, I probably didn't want to know that.'
Asian Chick and Stubble Head walk by now, and we find out that, in addition to looking terminally constipated, Stubble Head is also brazenly sexist. It amazes me to think that somebody, somewhere, was surprised at this development.
Poster children for everything awful in the world.
George tells Asian Chick about the severed penis. Cue obligatory 'bite out of crime' joke, delivered flatly by Asian Chick, who then exits the scene. George tries to get all sexy eyes 'are you okay?' on Ellen/Meredith, who then rants about how she has the same shoes as Allison (the rape victim), and how she doesn't usually wear them because they're uncomfortable but today she did blah blah blah, and she has the decency to call herself stupid when she says this.
Because,
really? I hope a coyote gnaws your legs off at the knees, Ellen/Meredith. Then you won't have to wear your stupid, uncomfortable shoes.
George tells her with his eyes that she needs... something? Maybe pot, from what they're saying?
Nope; apparently their medicine is staring at babies, which is in no way creepy at all.
LA LA LA! STARING AT BABIES!
Now Ellen/Meredith notices a baby turn blue, and the neonatal doctor gets all bitchy because a stupid asshole intern (E/M) is trying to tell her how to do her job. But the baby turned blue, neonatal doctor! Tough shit, Ellen/Meredith. Maybe try being nice and not acting like you know everything there is to know about medicine.
This entire scene just reinforces my assertion that all of these people are horrible.
Izzy assumes that Asian Chick speaks Chinese, but it turns out she's Korean! Ha! Plus, she says she grew up in Beverly Hills. Maybe that's why she hates everything so much?
And once again we're only fifteen minutes in, and I need to take a break from this.
Enjoy this fancy meme that was brought to my attention by George Takei, via Facebook.
Aaaand, I'm back.
Bitch Face and Master Doctor of the Hospital are arguing about Bitch Face getting Chief of Surgery. MDH is not sure about Bitch Face, but Bitch Face doesn't seem to know why. Maybe it is because you are an awful human being who loves torturing interns? Could that be why? Bitch Face storms off in a huff and MDH is all, 'whatevs, dude'.
Cut to a scene with Asian Chick and Stubble Head bonding over hating everything and wishing more people would be sick, I guess? Yeah, these are great people. They argue, and they're both super upset about giving people good news. Why did these two assholes become doctors at all? They proceed to make it into a game, presumably to make the mundane task of bringing joy to peoples' lives more interesting. They start by spouting medical terminology at confused-looking patients. I don't think anybody will win this game.
Asian Chick gets hugged a lot and makes really uncomfortable looks, and Stubble Face narrowly manages to avoid being hugged by someone who seems to be doing a zombie impression.
Huuuugs!
Cut to Ellen/Meredith interviewing potential roommates. She doesn't like any of them, based purely on their musical tastes. I thought you wanted roommates you didn't have to be nice to or even really see, Ellen/Meredith? Sweet Zombie Jesus, what is this, high school? She then runs away from the would-be roommates when she is disgusted by the fact that they have different interests than herself.
Ellen/Meredith: "Gawd, you guys! Why don't you like all the same things as me
and be exactly like me 'cause I'm awesome."
Asian Chick and Stubble Face continue on their mission to be shitty doctors.
George pronounces someone dead. Way to go, 007! I kind of love George, mostly because he's completely dopey and awkward.
Now Ellen/Meredith is staring at Allison, who is on life support. I can only imagine that some pompous, syrupy monologue is coming my way; that, or a Very Special Moment that will make me want to die.
Here comes McDreamy. Blah blah blah, we'll get the rapist because he's missing part of his penis and will surely seek medical attention to get that problem sussed out. Ellen/Meredith asks if she has any family. McDreamy says her parents are dead. What the fuck, writers? Did you really have to go
that far? Like being a rape victim in a coma who had to bite off some creeper's penis wasn't sad enough?
McDreamy says "Welcome to the city" like a true professional. I'm surprised he didn't also give her the sexy eyes. E/M has to go, she says, and because she is emotionally crippled and cannot do anything about Allison, she now has to go tell Bitch Face about the blue baby from earlier.
Bitch Face tells her he can't do anything because he is not chief of medicine, and they weren't asked to consult, and the baby is somebody else's patient.
"Sorry! Can't do shit."
Izzy is still in the ER, bandaging up some drunk guy who says she's a model and that she's hot. Chinese Lady is talking to her about something in Chinese; I don't know, I'm not bilingual. Izzy just looks at her like "yeah, sure." Scene end.
They are BFFs now.
Ellen/Meredith blabs to Asian Chick that she sexually assaulted McDreamy in the elevator. She says it's 'cause she's having a bad day- that's what abusers say, Ellen/Meredith. Was it McDreamy's fault that you harassed him, too?
Ellen/Meredith seems sad that she is carrying around a severed penis, but I think that's just the general malaise one must feel when they are an awful person who is surrounded by awful people all of the time. They start talking about Allison and E/M having the same damn shoes, and Asian Chick says that E/M is weird for caring. Yay, Asian Chick!
Some bloody guy crashes into the building in his car; it's Severed Penis Rapist!
He walks with such purpose for a creepy rapist who is missing wiener bits.
Ellen/Meredith is instructed to call the po-po STAT. Cut to an exciting surgery scene where Asian Chick and Ellen/Meredith talk about Allison by name in front of her rapist. Granted, he's under anesthesia, but it still seems kind of fucked up to me. SBDL then asks them why they're not going to reattach the rapist's wiener. This is a Teaching Moment™.
They all seem pretty blase about their answers and the fact that the creeper will have to be catheterized forever. For once, I do not disagree with them. SBDL is sassy. End scene.
Bitch Face and Master Doctor of the Hospital have a lover's quarrel about how Bitch Face never goes above and beyond, and only does exactly what is expected of him, and that is why MDH is unsure about making him Chief of Surgery.
Where Bitch Face gets his nickname.
I feel a psychic prediction coming on: Bitch Face is going to go help the blue baby in hopes that MDH will then promote him! These are all just fantastic specimens of humanity. Of course, not every character has to be 'good'. Characters being flawed are what makes them relatable and human. But it's probably also awesome if they have at least
some redeemable qualities. Which they do not.
McDreamy is sad about Allison, and is creeping around her hospital room.
Chinese Lady seems to want to hang out with Izzy, but Izzy kicks her out of the ER while pretending to understand what she's saying? Whatever.
Cut to Stubble Head and Asian Chick hanging out in a room full of empty hospital beds (what the hell hospital is this in a big city that has extra beds?). Stubble Head is all 'my head hurts' and Asian Chick is all 'maybe it's a tumor' and then they flirt like people who hate everything.
He says his head hurts, but he just looks constipated to me.
Asian Chick shits all over Izzy for getting to suture wounds all day until her hands are numb, George asserts that none of them know what they are doing and everybody agrees (except for Stubble Head, I think). He doesn't feel like he's learning anything. They all hate being interns, doubtless because they are whiny assholes who expect to get everything handed to them without working for it.
Back to blue baby! Why does this episode feel like it's even longer than the last one?
Ellen/Meredith talks to the parents of blue baby about checking to make sure their kid isn't dying or whatever, and neonatal doctor from before is all 'this is your career' in a threatening, pissy tone. Head Neonatal Doctor is like, 'bitch, what are you even doing here?' And then Bitch Face stands up for her, and says blue baby is
his patient now. He then directs Ellen/Meredith to run all the tests for him. I bet he's gonna take all the credit as well.
LOL, your baby turned blue like my scrubs.
I hope she can find time for the tests, because I'm pretty sure she's still guarding the rapist's severed wee-wee for the cops.
Chinese Lady comes back to visit Izzy, or something, and beckons her out into the rain, where I guess her daughter (Chinese Lady's daughter, not Izzy's) is sitting in some trash with a giant gash on her head. Izzy does some doctoring outside in the rain. Daughter is undocumented, and some machinery fell on her head or something? Yikes, that sounds like it would suck ass. Izzy's like 'come in so I can suture your massive head wound', but Chinese Lady is all upset because she doesn't want her daughter deported.
Sweet Zombie Jesus, look at that gaping forehead wound!
How did this machine not crush her dang skull?
Cut to a warm and fuzzy scene between Ellen/Meredith and Bitch Face. Turns out E/M was right about blue baby having a full on birth defect that requires surgery, but Bitch Face is all 'woah, you may have been right, but you were still a raging bitch.' Pot calls kettle black; everyone shocked. News at eleven.
Moving on. Asian Chick gets hugged more, George is the angel of death, Izzy steals hospital supplies to treat the undocumented worker. Chinese Lady is super thankful.
Bitch Face and SBDL have a heart to heart about how much he sucks and how awful a person he is.
George calls
himself the angel of death! Do I win a prize?! Asian Chick is all, 'duh, code patients usually kick the bucket' and George is incensed that she didn't avail his naive self of this little factoid earlier. She gives him some stupid cryptic answer when he asks why she didn't tell him this shit before he got all gung-ho about it.
"Because you are George, and I am Christina."
"Well, thanks, Captain Obvious!"
Neonatal doctor and Ellen/Meredith are all apologetic. Well, neonatal doctor (who is also an intern, it seems) is apologetic, and Ellen/Meredith is pompous and smug and goes blah blah blah we're all dumb interns, really, and yeah I'm totes scared, too. I want to kick the stupid rocking chair E/M is sitting in, so that she falls on the floor.
Quit looking so smug and self-satisfied, you dick!
McDreamy has spent the night monitoring Allison's condition because she has no family. Ellen/Meredith and McDreamy make sexy eyes at each other, and then talk about how awful life is. Allison crashes. I wonder how many times I've used the word awful in this blog after only watching two episodes? (Fifteen times. The answer is fifteen, including blog tags.) McDreamy asks for a blood gas. Um? She's already coding, McDreamy; this doesn't seem like an appropriate time for a blood gas. Maybe you should work on resuscitating and stabilizing the patient first? Just a thought.
McDreamy and Ellen/Meredith are having a moment, and talking about how Allison might not ever wake up, and even if she does her life will be all shitty. Well, at least she bit some guy's penis off, I guess?
The two very saddest human beings on the planet.
Ellen/Meredith signs away the severed wiener to an officer of the law. Next scene, Bitch Face tells Ellen/Meredith to scrub in so that she can hold a clamp. McDreamy wakes Severed Penis Rapist and tells him they are giving his pee-pee to the po-po, and to have a nice life (presumably in prison).
Ellen/Meredith blabs on in a voice-over about how messy life is and boundaries, all while she's staring at the babies again. She says begrudgingly that George and Izzy can be her roommates, and they thank her. I don't know why, because living with Ellen/Meredith seems like it would be a special kind of hell.
La la la... Staring at babies, or whatever...
Allison wakes up from her coma; hey, maybe that blood gas was magical!
McDreamy and Ellen/Meredith flirt and make sexy eyes at each other, and I want to dig my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Cue a Breakfast Club style shot of all the shitty interns laughing as they romp away from the hospital. Ellen/Meredith says that life is spectacular, and the credits roll.
Dear god, what is this fuckery?
Things I learned from this episode:
1. Doing things purely for personal gain is the best way to do things.
2. George gets all the coolest nicknames for the worst possible reasons.
3. Blood gases are magical.
*Thanks for that term, Ricky. I shall cherish it forever.
